A throwback turkey hunt, TSS loads strong enough to deport a gobbler, and permission stories that sound like fever dreams—gangrene feet, dogs eating roofing nails, and three innings of Tigers baseball with an old dude in his undies.

The 989 Gobbler Club is handing out its finest (and most shameful) awards, including a wooden gun you really don’t want. Throw in dire wolves, woolly mammoths, and a turkey call named “King of Snickers,” and yeah… we’ve officially lost the plot.

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